Few cultures in the world create a safe space for people to openly grieve. Many of us have been taught that expressing grief is a sign of weakness. In fact, we assign judgements about grief that hold us hostage to what should be a natural emotion—”it’s weak to cry,” “feeling grief makes you vulnerable” or in some way grief is “socially unacceptable.”
In fact, not expressing grief keeps us isolated and it can be detrimental to our health.
How can emotions cause dis-ease?
Physiologically, emotions are themselves electrical, chemical and hormonal discharges of the human nervous system. When emotions are repressed, this inhibition disarms the body’s defenses against illness. Repression of emotions disorganizes and confuses our physiological defenses so that instead of protecting us, these become the destroyers of our health.
So, how do we express grief so that it doesn’t become toxic?
We can look to the animal kingdom for answers. Dr. Peter Levine, founder of Somatic Experiencing®, wrote the groundbreaking book Waking the Tiger, which asks and answers the question: why do animals in the wild, who are routinely threatened, bounce back from threats with little to no residual impact? Levine writes about how animals assign no judgment to emotions, they simply and very naturally express the bodily response, activated by their autonomic nervous system.
Grief is stored in the throat and lungs. Finding ways to dislodge grief from the body restores the natural flow and release of grief. Making sounds to dislodge this energy is the best way to release suffering. When we began to experience the lockdown from COVID-19, many communities enacted a nightly ritual to show appreciation for our healthcare workers. My community chose to howl (listen here). Little did they know that the sound of howling does a marvelous job of releasing grief. Given the thousands we have lost and what those who’ve survived have endured from COVID-19, it seems beautifully serendipitous that my community chose to howl. At home, try howling at lower decibels and see if you notice a release in your chest.
For more information about grief, I recommend reading Francis Weller’s book, The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief.
Rebecca A. Ward, LMFT, SEP, PCC
Founder, the Iris Institute
Psychotherapy, Executive Coaching & Consulting